Call Center Chaos!

     So much has been written over the last seven years over the mind-boggling tragedy that occurred at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001, that it’s a daunting task to even approach the subject. The most compelling reading has come from those who offered first-hand accounts of the tragedies…the survivors…whether policemen, fire-fighters, stock brokers or janitors.  The families of the fallen have offered bittersweet stories of their last contact with loved ones, and their suffering continues to this day, as many still haven’t received the closure which they seek.

     While I can’t hope to offer the same type of account, or do justice to the families or the memories of those lost, I can offer a window on how this terrible event changed the lives of about 300 people in a call center, hundreds of miles away from New York and Washington, D.C.

     By the time September arrived in 2001, we were already reeling from several tragedies.  When you work with so many people, you have, at least, passing contact with all of them.  You get closer to more people than you stop to realize, until the worst happens.  One of our coworkers had recently passed away.  Though she was elderly, it was still a shock.  Many of us attended her memorial service at a local park, which gave us a chance to get out in nature and reflect on the cycle of life.  More shocking was the very recent suicide of one of another co-worker, whose funeral we attended two days after the attacks.  It was profoundly sad to discover that someone was hurting so much that she took that final step, and so few of us, out of 300 employees, even knew that she was going through a crisis.

     We had people that were effected by the bombings.  My manager lost a dear friend who was a firefighter working in one of the towers at the time it collapsed.  My boss would go on to honor his friend’s loss by serving for a year in the army in Baghdad.  Several other employees would be called up in the reserves, or would have family members that would be called up to serve in Afghanistan and Iraq. Nearly everyone had someone who was affected by the 9/11 attacks, or who were caught-up in the aftermath.

     In addition to being depressed, we were divided.  One of the most contentious elections in U.S. history had occurred less than a year earlier, with George W. Bush narrowly defeating Al Gore.  Conspracy theories regarding the outcome of the election abounded, and time between calls always led to polical discussions…which frequently turned into arguments.  When customers discovered they were talking to someone in Florida, it was not at all uncommon for them to give a hapless agent a piece of their mind regarding how people in Florida were too stupid to vote.  We couldn’t read our ballots and couldn’t even punch through the cards properly, leaving the notorious “hanging” or “pregnant” chads.  The caller’s party affiliation didn’t matter…either we lost the election or we nearly lost the election, so we got blated from both sides and were the butt of everyone’s jokes.

     On the morning of the 11th, I woke up and flipped on CNN Headline News to get my quick news fix while I prepared to go to work.  Getting up for me meant 9:30-10am, as I worked nights. As I slowly came to life and my blurry eyes focused on the TV screen, my first reaction was that I had the wrong channel.  I thought I was watching a re-run of The Siege on HBO.  The vision before me was so unreal, that it had to be a movie, and the scene looked like one right out of the 1998 film starring Denzel Washington and Bruce Willis, about a terrorist attack on New York City.  I had just recently seen the movie for the first time, so it made a lot more sense to me.  I couldn’t fathom that I was watching a passenger jetliner full of people slam into the most famous landmark in the New York City skyline.

     In a few minutes, a friend called from work to let me know that everyone was being sent home.  My jaw hung open, and I was unable to speak, beyond, “this can’t be real!” for several minutes.  I’ve been fortunate to avoid major tragedies in my life, but I have experienced moments of horror and absolute shock.  Nothing has compared, before or since, to the complete feeling of unreality that I felt at that moment.  It washed over me in waves, as if I’d fallen asleep on the beach on s sunny day, only to awake with the high tide sweeping over my body and threatening to pull me into a stormy sea.

     A very strange thing happened, though, when we all returned to work.  As expected, people were talking about the tragedy, discussing their personal connections, and, in general, finding a way to cope with something they never imagined would happen in their wildest dreams.  What wasn’t expected…the peculiar sense of hope that emerges when people share a horrible event.  Everyone was wearing American flag T-Shirts that proudly stated “United We Stand!” American flags were everywhere, on our cubicle walls, on our cars and hanging on the front of our homes.  We were determined that we “weren’t going to let the terrorists win” and would carry on with our lives.  We raised money and gathered supplies for the victims, as we would do when the war in Iraq began.  Even those who were chanting “Hail to the Thief!” months earlier rallied around President Bush, as we began clearing the rubble and braced for the next attack.

     Today, we find ourselves depressed and divided as a nation.  We’re going through an economic crisis that makes it harder to provide for our families and gives us all more immediate anxiety than the lingering threat of another terrorist attack.  We’re approaching an election that may well eclipse the contentiousness of the 2000 contest, and promises to provide an even more tumultuous aftermath, as our country heals from the rift revealed by a campaign that increasingly divides us along lines of race, gender, preference, age, economic status and beliefs.

     I applaud both John McCain and Barrack Obama for taking the time to visit Ground Zero and for honoring the memories of those lost. It’s unfortunate, though, that it takes a profound tragedy to bring us all together.  I have witnessed the power that 300 people in a call center can have when they put aside their differences and pull together to cope with sorrow and face a common threat. I can’t imagine a crisis or threat that can bring us down, if 300 million of us could work together the same way.

In an ongoing attempt to keep you hooked-in to what’s REAL, we offer the second installment of our Corporate Buzz Phrase Translator.  Don’t leave sanity without it!

Do you have a favorite…or least favorite…corporate buzz phrase that we haven’t included? Pop your comment in below, or contact me at captainchaos@callcenterchaos.com! Your entry might be included in a future installment!

Keep it REAL, Dawgs!

The Cap’n

Let’s get this out of the way right up front.  There are a lot of jobs out there that are more dangerous than working in a call center.  I can think of police work, firefighting, military and working in a convenience store, just to name a few.  That being said, it’s not easy coming in, day-in and day-out, and taking one call after another.  If you’re in an outbound call center, it can really wear you down.  You’re making hundreds of call every day, most of the time getting voice mail or prospects who don’t want to talk to you.  That’s why it’s rare for anyone to last more than two years on the phones in this business, and not at all surprising for people to drop out after less than two months.

If you have…or if you’re willing to develop…the following skills, you can find success, satisfaction, and, in many cases, a pretty good income for an indoor desk job that doesn’t involve sweeping for land mines or clearing out a cash register at gun point.

1.     Phone Skills

Ok, yeeeeaaaahhhh…this one looks pretty obvious.  Surprisingly, though, people who hate talking on the phone still apply for call center jobs, thinking it “won’t be that bad,” and it’ll be an easy job.  Trust me…you’ll be completely miserable.  You’ll look for every possible excuse not to take or make calls, and you’ll be one of those people that quits within two months.  If you don’t quit, you’ll eventually get fired, because you don’t meet your required metrics.  If you don’t like talking to people, and, more importantly, listening to people, this ain’t the job for you.  For the sake of all of the rest of us who may call you, if you don’t have any energy in your voice and can’t at least  fake enthusiasm, go work somewhere where you don’t have to be pleasant to people…like the Department of  Motor Vehicles.  One more thing…if you can’t make it through an entire phone call without stuffing your face, apply for a job passing out food samples at the local supermarket.  Nothing says, “I don’t give a damn,” like someone answering the phone with food in their mouth, especially if they figure it’s o.k. to keep chompin’ throughout the conversation.

2.      Technical Skills

You don’t have to be a computer geek, but some basic typing skills are a valuable asset.  You can make it if you “hunt and peck” quickly, but if your idea of hunting is more like going on an African safari, your calls are going to take too long, and your customers will get frustrated.  Since you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you know your way around a computer and the internet well enough to run most of the applications you’ll have to use, and you’ll be able to find what you need on the internet and/or company intranet.  If a friend printed this for you, though, you might want to check out a basic computer class at your local community college, or at least hook-up with one of those computer training DVDs, like Video Professor.  If you hate computers and find yourself cursing like a sailor, who’s been denied shore leave, every time you use one…it’s like hating phones.  This won’t work for ya!

3.      Multi-Tasking

Not only do they want you to talk on the phone, type in responses and navigate through several applications or web sites…they actually want you to be able to do it all at the same time! If you’re one of those people who like to focus on one thing at a time, especially if it gets to the point that you get “tunnel vision” and block everything else out, you’re going to find this job extra-challenging.  If you’re telling your customer…”uhhh…just bear with me a minute,” like…every minute…you’re going to be frazzled and the customer will think you don’t know what you’re doing.  That will make it hard for you to build rapport, which will, in turn, make it hard for you to provide assistance or close sales.  The restaurant industry (and fast food in particular), is one of the best training ground for future multi-taskers.  If you’ve ever worked in the kitchen during an extra-busy peak period, like lunch, you know what I’m talking about.  If you’re not good at multi-tasking, hopefully can wing it long enough until you can become a supervisor!

4.      Receptivity to Change

We hear an awful lot about change these days from political candidates.  If they want to learn about change, they just need to put in a few weeks at a call center.  You’re going to get new systems, new software applications, updates to software applications, new processes, new rules, new co-workers, new managers…just about everything that can change, will change at some point.  That’s why; even though you need precious time off, you never want to take more than a week off at a time.  If you take two weeks off, or get real crazy and take more, you’ll probably have to go through training again!  You might even have a Charlton Heston moment from Planet of the Apes, and come back to find the whole call center is run by monkeys!  Then again, it was probably that way when you left it.

Oh yeah…your goals? They’re going to change too! You can be guaranteed that you’re going to have to do more, probably for less money and possibly with fewer resources, next year than you’ve had to do this year.  The managers will tell you it’s what makes the company “competitive” so it can “grow” and offer more “opportunity” for everyone, which is, essentially, true.  What they won’t tell you is that the compensation budget also affects their bonuses.  Some companies are fairer than others, but they’re not going to pay out more than they need to in order to keep you producing.  Don’t like it? Do your job better than everyone else so you can move up and get to be one of the Big Dawgs that call the shots.  Or, you can see how that convenience store thing works out for you.  Maybe Kevin Smith will put you in Clerks III?

5.      Patience

If you’re going to deal with constant change, difficult customers, crashing computers, unstable networks and managers who may not always feel your pain, you’ll have to have a lifetime subscription to the “Unlimited” package from Patience, Inc.  Ok, so there is no Patience, Inc.  If there was, I’d want to own that bad boy, because everyone would be buying from me!  The key to having patience is remembering that you’re human.  Your customers are human.  Your managers are human.  Everything you use was built by humans (unless you live in Monkey World!)  That means that there are infinite possibilities for screw-ups. If anything can go wrong, it will, and probably three times before you leave for the day.  If everything was perfect, what the hell would they need you for?  Just take a deep breath, and repeat the mantra “Everything’s going to be O.K.” over and over until you believe it.  There are plenty of ways to get rid of the stress after work, from kickboxing to violent video games (nothing beats multi-player death matches with a few friends!) to consuming mass quantities of alcohol.  Combine all of the above for maximum stress relief!

Just don’t take it out on your customers!  Remember…your family members, your friends, you, me…we all have to talk to someone on the phone at some point.  You can’t avoid it in today’s world.  You really can make a difference by just listening and by letting that person on the other end know that you genuinely want to help.  You’ll make the world a better place for all of us!

There’s plenty more factors that contribute to a successful call center career, but, if you nail these five down, you’re going to enjoy your job more, and you’ll stand out from the crowd.  What have been your keys to success? Start makin’ with the comments, or contact me at captainchaos@callcenterchaos.com.  

Let’s start our own Wiki, Wacki, Whatever Pedia for call centers!

The Cap’n

While the Beijing Olympics may be over, but the Call Center Olympics have just begun! That is, if you’re willing to get off your ass and have some fun! Here’s a list of events, along with the corresponding medal requirements for each…

Roller Chair Hockey

It’s two-on two cubicle craziness (assuming your cubicles are set up in quads)!

Transport— You have to have those nice, ergonomically correct wheeled chairs to play this game.

The Puck— A tightly rolled up ball of paper will do just fine.

Sticks— Umbrella handles work well, but you can use yard sticks, plastic toy hockey sticks, or the real deal if you want to maximize the threat to life, limb and property.

Goals— The openings at either end of the cubicle will serve as your goals. You can string netting across if you really want to get authentic.

The Rules— You’re doing this between calls (hopefully!) so short and sweet’s the way to go.  The first two-player team to score 3 goals wins and moves on to face the winning teams from the other cubicles, head-to-head, elimination style!

Your butt must never leave your chair!  If you create space between your rear-end and your seat during the game, you go to the penalty box until the next goal is scored (your opponent’s or yours, whichever comes first.)

Medals

Bronze— Who cares? Bronze is second place loser!       

Silver— The losing team in the final battle takes the silver, ‘cause there can be only One! 

Gold— The last team standing (or, um…sitting) takes the gold!

Crop Dusting

Nope, this doesn’t involve bi-planes and pesticides, though noxious fumes are involved! Having chili for lunch in a closed environment full of people is generally a bad idea. For this game, it’s a key to success!  The rules are simple…just walk by one of your poor, unfortunate co-workers, and let ‘er rip! You can, and should, slow down as you breeze by, but you must keep moving.  Planes don’t have brakes, right? Extra credit given for lifting your leg and “wagging your wing” while passing by.  Extra-extra credit given for catchin’ ‘em with their mouth open.

Medals

Bronze— You make your victim’s eyes water.

Silver— You make your victim’s eyes water, you make him/her gag and yell something like “What, in the name of all that is holy, just died in here?”

Gold— You make the poor bastard throw up.

Serial Dating

Another bad idea…dating someone where you work.  With so many convenient choices and so little time to build caring, nurturing relationships outside of work, why not go crazy?  Two wrongs don’t make a right, but a whole assload of wrongs makes for a really good time! 

Just remember…lots of alcohol gives you an excuse to forget everything! Just don’t forget to take precautionary measures!

Medals

Bronze— Date two different coworkers within the same week.

Silver— Date two different coworkers in the same day.

Gold— Date two different coworkers at the same time, then invite the new guy/girl (your not sure…he/she reminds you of Pat from Saturday Night Live) along for a drunken orgy at the local Motel 6. The journey of self-discovery is a perilous one.

Tardy Sprinting

Working in a call center means always working under the gun.  Your bosses can be really picky about you actually showing up on time and being available to take calls at the start of your shift.  Call center athletes like to “fight the power” by logging in at the last possible second…and that means the last possible second of any available grace period.  Since the distance from your car to your workstation may vary, as well as the number of competitors and/or level of competition, the medals are based more on how you deal with obstacles.

Medals

Bronze— Make it from your car to your desk with less than 10 seconds to spare.

Silver— Make it from your car to your desk with less than five seconds to spare, knocking at least one coworker on his or her ass as you bolt around him or her.

Gold— Make it from your car to your desk with only a second to spare, having climbed over at least three cubicle walls on your way to the finish line.  Set the world record for breaking flower vases, coffee ups and any annoying nicknacks placed on top of the cubicle walls!

Crazy Name Hunting

When you work in a call center, you get calls from a very diverse group of people.  Many of these people have names that you can’t pronounce without tying your tongue like a pretzel, or you can’t say without cracking up.  Now you can have fun with these awkward moments by collecting f***ed up names, scavenger hunt style!

Medals

Bronze— Goes to the first contestant to collect three surnames that are 15 or more letters in length. 

Silver— Goes to the first contestant to collect three celebrity names…from people that aren’t actually celebrities.  Think Michael Bolton from Office Space.

Gold— Goes to the first contestant to collect three “dirty” names.  Think “Ben Dover,” “Dick Hertz” and “Mike Hunt”

Just like the real thing, here at the Call Center Olympics Committee, we’re always looking to expand.  Post your ideas in our comments, or email them to captainchaos@callcenterchaos.com for review by our drunken, corrupt, but fun-loving crew for addition to the list of events.

Have fun, and be careful out there!

The Cap’n

Can anyone tell me how in the name of Twinkies that you can lose weight in a call center? I mean really!!! Everyone I know has gained at least 25 pounds within the first three months of starting work! Does a day go by in your office where there isn’t a celebration that involves some excuse to stuff your face? This week alone ( it’s only Wednesday) there have been two birthday’s, a baby shower, a promotion, a team building celebration, a pizza party for two winning sales teams along with a lunch and learn. There is food, food and more evil food everywhere. We don’t even try and pretend that we are going to eat healthy at my place. There is no shame in our game about grabbing a plate and piling the goods on. It wasn’t until I started working in a call center that I learned that even vegetarians can be large and in charge.

Another slice of irony…what’s everybody watching?  The Food Network!  Give me a freakin’ break already!  We stuff ourselves all day long, then go home and watch Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives!  Yeah, we can watch that and eat 2 or a couple of dozen big greasy cheeseburgers while watching Guy Fieri do the same! Then there’s Next Food Network Star, Dinner Impossible and, don’t forget, Iron Chef America!  Of course, no one seems to miss Top Chef on Bravo, either!  It’s bad enough to work around so much food all day, but then to go home, watch food shows, then come back and talk about ‘em the next day?  We don’t stand a chance!

Now, call centers are mentally exhausting, for sure, but let’s examine the extent of our physical activities… thinking… thinking… thinking…. DONE! There aren’t any! We sit in a chair and take calls all day long! That is, unless you’re a smoker or part of the tardy club. I really think the smokers might be onto something. They probably get more exercise than anyone else in the whole darn place.  If your call center is like mine, the smokers have a “designated” smoking area. These areas aren’t right outside the front door. It’s usually a bit of a haul. So, right off the bat, smokers automatically get more exercise than a non-smoker. They have 10- 15 minutes to sprint all the way to their spot and back, gasping for breath all the way. That’s a full blown power walk people!

Then we have the exclusive tardy club.  I don’t mean the occasionally tardy person, I mean the notoriously tardy person!  First of all, you better not be walking on the street or near a sidewalk when one of these blokes come racing into the parking lot.  You won’t be making it into the office ever again!  If you don’t like having the door slammed right in your face when you enter the building, then you better stay the hell out of a tardy person’s way. If you want to ride in an elevator with a late-runner, then you better either keep up the pace or you’re out of luck! They aren’t going to wait for you, no way! Since the tardy group is always running, because they are always late, it’s reasonable to say they rank up there with the smokers on exercise too. That’s about it, though.

Of course I have absolutely no clout at my current gig, so I wasn’t blessed with an assigned parking space like the cool kids. The universe has made sure I get some exercise at the start of my shift, with parking that sucks… BIG TIME!

So, unless I get to work a few hours early (or sit and stalk people by waiting for their parking spot) that’s pretty much the only exercise I am ever going to get at work. Then again, there are those fire drills every once in a while too.

Has anyone that works in a call center ever lost weight…without liposuction, stomach stapling, gastric bypass or that weird rubber band thing? Isn’t it awkward when people come in and have magically dropped, like, 50 pounds over the weekend?  Doesn’t it creep you out when some of them have those extra skin flaps, like Fat Bastard in Goldmember?  Ach!  I’ve got a vagina on my neck!

I have a conspiracy theory to throw in here too, and I will attempt to back it up.  When the management staff wants desperately for you to do something for them, what do they do? They bribe you with food, don’t they? I think it‘s because, if you keep eating, you will get nice and fat… and be too lazy to look for another job! That makes them look really good, because call centers are measured by their turn-over results, aren’t they? Yes! There are bonuses to go right along with that for the big cheese!!!

Mmmm…CHEEEESE!

I love cheese!

Who moved my cheese anyway?

What happens in your call center or the office where you work?  I know this isn’t a call center-only phenomenon!  Share your stories and exercise tips in the comments, so you can help out your fellow call center captives!

One of the most important things you need when visiting a strange world, like a call center, is a good translator, so you can figure out what the hell people are saying.  At Call Center Chaos, we take it one step further by giving you the REAL DEAL, so you know what your management staff is really saying to you!

Here’s the first installment, in an on-going series.  If you’ve discovered the REAL translation for a corporate call center term, please submit a comment and we might just add it to the dictionary.  Yes…we actually mean that!

Be careful out there!

The Call Center Chaos Crew.